All My Thoughts
by NotSus
Summary: As much as I wanted her, the most I could ever do was watch her and pretend. Take in her beauty, for I had none of my own, and enjoy it. It was blatant, the way I watched her, but she never seemed to notice because she never seemed to notice me. MB/HG
1. Chapter 1

As much as I wanted her, the most I could ever do was watch her. Watch her and pretend. Take in her beauty, for I had none of my own, and enjoy it. It was blatant, the way I watched her, but she never seemed to notice because she never seemed to notice me.

I had tried to be loud around her, having loud conversations with Pansy so that she would just look my way, just once…but she never did. The closest I've ever gotten to her was in our second year, when we were paired up for a duel. The intensity of it, my nerves…I hadn't liked her for any extended period of time at that point, but I was still nervous about finally getting to stare at her eye-to-eye. I can't seem to recall much of how it felt to have my heavy body fall on top of her slender form, because it was so short-lived, but I fantasize about it often.

_Her body…against mine. To touch her would be divine. _I recited lame on-the-spot poetry as I sat behind her in Potions. Half of me wished her bushy hair wouldn't cover up her shoulders, so I could imagine my hands shooting out in front of me and pulling her in, but half of me just wanted to bury myself in it. In her. God, how my grades would skyrocket if I didn't share classes with her!

When I walked back to my room in the evening, I decided to try and come up with ways that I could get her to talk to me. I had never gone so far as to even think of such a thing, as forbidden and heavenly as her existence was to me, but I could hardly control myself anymore. I have wanted her for too long, and my desires have run too deep. She controls my mind, my actions, my dreams, and if I didn't have her soon, I wasn't sure I could continue living in the same world as Hermione Granger.

I made it back to my room and looked in the mirror for the first time in what seemed like a long time. My large, unattractive face stared back at me. I tried to find something, _anything _that someone could find attractive in me, and found nothing. I didn't think that anyone could ever find anything. I backed up and looked at my body. I had big breasts, I guess. The rest of me was also big. I walked into my bedroom and lay down in bed. I thought more of what I would say to her, and how her facial expression would reek of repulsion when she had to look at me.

I dreamt of her. Of holding her. Her body, in my arms, in my bed. I dreamt of turning her on her back, lying on top of her, kissing her, feeling her small, firm breasts push into me, her arms around me, wanting me. I woke up wet, as usual. There was no Hermione in my bed, but I closed my eyes and tried to hold onto the feeling I had in the dream as long as possible. I wiped the sweat off of my brow and moved my hand down lower. I couldn't help myself. I touched slowly at first, imagining her lowering her head in between my legs, the heat from her breath torturing my throbbing sex, until I could no longer take it and began to move my fingers faster. Her image blurred through my mind as I moved my fingers, and I was starting to find it hard to concentrate on her face. I hadn't seen her face up close for so long, I just had to imagine…

I relaxed, breathing heavily. My roommates all had earlier classes than I did, so I was fortunately alone and not worried about making noise. I had gotten good at this, too, doing it so often. My deft fingers worked their own kind of magic whenever I needed them to, and I was thankful for that.

I heard a loud boom outside and turned my head towards the window. It was a rainy, stormy day, and it was already fairly dark considering it was 10 AM. I groaned into my pillow before getting up and getting dressed for classes.

My first class, Charms, was not with Hermione. Consequently, it was my best class. I don't like to admit that I'm not the brightest witch of our year (although I wish I was; perhaps then Hermione would pay attention to me), but I did enjoy the class. Part of each class included trying out the spells we had learned that day, and I just loved shooting spells at people.

"Bulstrode," Goyle grunted, getting up from the stone ground after I shot today's jinx at him. "Nice one." He patted me on the shoulder as he passed. His praise meant nothing to me, but I responded with a "Thanks" anyway. I vaguely wondered if he was interested in me, and then immediately dismissed the idea. I knew he would probably take what he could get if I offered myself to him, but I was positive that he didn't actively _desire _me.

Not like I desired Hermione.

There was some commotion going on at the front of the room. I snapped out of my Hermione-centric mind and saw that Professor Flitwick was calling the class to attention.

"Students! Students! Professor Dumbledore has just informed me that…oh yes…" he looked closer at a small piece of parchment in his hands, "because of the weather conditions today, those of you taking Astronomy are not required to go to class; tonight's lecture was supposed to be outdoor stargazing." There was a small murmur of happiness at this statement. I was probably the only one in the room who was slightly disappointed; Astronomy was one of the classes I had with Hermione.

"That said," Flitwick continued, "the assignment will be extra credit if you do decide to go to class." This statement first struck me as pointless; who would want to try and stargaze in the rain for a few measly extra points? Then the answer came brilliantly shining into my mind: Hermione Granger.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Despite my favorite pairing being Hermione/Snape, my favorite fic is a Hermione/Millicent one. It's not on , but if you ever find it, it's called "Holding Back", and it's aawwwesome.

* * *

My next few classes passed incredibly slowly. The storm outside was being annoyingly temperamental; one hour it would be drizzling and the next it would be raining like hell. Most of my peers were in a rather dreary mood because of the weather, but rain never really seemed to affect me.

I was sitting across from Draco, Pansy, and Draco's cronies in the Slytherin common room. They were having a conversation about Quidditch, which was rather unusual, but I wasn't paying attention. I was just looking at the clock.

Finally, after ten more minutes of halfway listening to their drivel, it was 8 PM, and time for Astronomy. I got up to leave, but not before Pansy noticed my odd behavior.

"Millicent, what are you doing? Astronomy was cancelled, remember?" She had that 'dumb ol' Millicent' look on her face; the one that made us seem like an old couple where I was the forgetful husband and she was the wife that had to remind him of everything.

I stopped dead in my tracks and tried not to get angry. Controlling my anger was a bit of a…problem for me.

"I need the extra credit," I said simply, trying to be as nonchalant as I could. She seemed to take the bait. Pansy shrugged her shoulders and went back to the conversation without another glance at me.

I had to walk outside for a brief moment to get to the Astronomy tower, but luckily it was during one of the milder showers. There were almost no other students outside, and I enjoyed the solitary walk. When I reached the floor of the tower where we usually had class, it was empty except for Hermione, who was leaning against a window frame staring out into the rain. My heart leapt into my throat. I was alone in a room with…her. I didn't know what to feel, except shock, and a sort of numb dream-like feeling. She turned around when she heard my footsteps, but only gave me a cursory glance once she realized who it was. It should have hurt me, but I was used to being ignored.

Unsure of what to do, I walked to a window on the opposite side of the room and looked out across the grounds. The professor should be here in any minute, and then we were going to go up on the roof and stargaze – or attempt to stargaze. I wasn't sure it was going to be possible if the rain was having one of its bad spurts.

I didn't look at her. I was too scared, but I didn't know why. I thought maybe, if I looked at her, she would see through me and know all the fantasies that I've imagined us in. All those dirty thoughts that flitted through my mind in class, all the compromising positions I've imagined her in, all the times I let my large ugly hands run themselves all over her smooth, slender body.

I don't know how long I was standing there looking out the window, but it must have been a long time, because I heard Hermione sigh in frustration.

"She _said _it was going to be extra credit," she murmured.

I turned to look at her staring out the window. She didn't seem to know I was looking at her. Her brow was furrowed and her arms crossed under her breasts as she continued to stare at the rain. Long, slim legs built up to a tucked in white button-up shirt, the Hogwarts standard. But it just seemed to look so much better on her than it did on me. Her tie was a little ruffled, and so was her slightly-wet hair, and it made her look so incredibly sexy. I tried not to stare too blatantly, and conjured up conversation.

"No kidding. I need these points." A pointless addition to the conversation. Hermione, however, seemed to finally acknowledge my presence and faced me. I avoided her eyes.

"Maybe the professor is already on the roof, waiting," she said hopefully. I could feel her eyes on me as I looked somewhere else.

"We can go check," I spoke, looking down. I could feel her eyes linger on me for a moment more before she headed for the stairs. I followed, feeling quite sure that Professor Sinistra wasn't going to be there.

When we reached the top, the rain was still just drizzling. Hermione stared around, and with no professor in sight, gave a heavy sigh.

I looked at her. "Maybe she figured no one would show up."

Hermione's eyes met mine and my brain instantly froze. She had such beautiful light brown eyes, and I hadn't made eye contact with her like this since our second year. Her gaze was penetrating, and I couldn't bring myself to look away…or to blink, for that matter.

"Well, that was ridiculous of her." And with those words, there was a bright flash of lightning and a large boom of thunder, and the rain came pouring down in buckets. Hermione's hands went over her head, a vain attempt at protecting herself from the storm, and she began running back towards the stairs. She was making her way past me when her foot skidded on a slick stone and she started to fall. I'd like to say it happened in slow motion, because that's the way these things usually happen, but it was actually a very quick series of events: Hermione slipped, Hermione grabbed onto my cloak in a last minute attempt to steady herself, she fell, I fell on top of her, and she screamed in pain as the rain continued its torrent upon us.

When I fell on top of her, it was nothing like how it was in our second year. She didn't look like she feared for her life, yet she was screaming in pain. I immediately rolled off of her, thinking I was too heavy, but she started to clutch her ankle.

"Oh..God…I think it got twisted…or broken…or sprained…when I fell…" she moaned in pain, and seemed on the verge of tears. It was hard to tell in the rain.

All I said was "Oh." I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She was painfully beautiful, lying there beside me. Her thin white shirt was soaked through, clinging to her skin, and I could see the outline of her bra. Her wavy hair stuck to the stones under her, and her face was so wet and natural and gorgeous.

"Millicent…." She said something, but I didn't hear anything after my name. It was the first time she had ever said my name. I just stared at her for a few seconds as the rain continued pouring down on us. Her lips were so pink and full and moist, and it took everything I had in me not to touch them with my own.

"Sorry, what did you say?" I said, trying to catch up.

"I said I can't get up! Can you mend my ankle for me?" Hermione looked a little uneasy, like she was worried that I wouldn't be able to do it. I didn't take any offense; I'm not very good at those kinds of spells, and with my nerves right now…

I must have looked incredulous, because she added, "It's not that difficult of a spell. I would do it myself but I'm sort of at a bad angle, if you remember how the spell is supposed to be done."

I blinked stupidly.

Hermione sighed in exasperation. "Get out your wand," she ordered.

I did, and she startled me by suddenly grasping my hand.

"Remember from Charms? You need the double-flick, perpendicular to the broken bone. Like this." She moved my hand in a double-flicking motion, demonstrating how it was to be done. I was being taken through this baby-step style, even though it was really a fairly basic healing spell compared to our recent teachings.

Her hand was so soft on mine, and surprisingly warm. Chills ran through my body when she touched me, and when she removed her hand I longed for much more. I didn't think I could do this. I was experiencing somewhat of a shock.

"Okay," I said, repositioning myself to cast the spell on her ankle. She bit her lip and closed her eyes, and I let my inner pervert take over and I cast one good long delicious look at her body. My God.

"F-Fibrious reparo," I spoke shakily, waving my wand. A series of bluish sparks shot themselves at Hermione's ankle, and she screamed loudly. I dropped my wand in surprise, and fear flooded my veins. Her ankle was still twisted in the wrong direction. What had I done?


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Writer's block sucks! That is all :-)

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I got glares from her friends during breakfast the next morning. I wasn't sure if she knew I meant well, or if she thought the mistake was malicious. I didn't sleep last night, but I knew if I had my dreams would have been filled with her soft skin and my nightmares with my mistakes.

I had to let her know I meant well. I wrote her a letter that afternoon, spending far too long figuring out the right wording.

_Hermione, _the letter read, _I want to talk about last night. Meet me in the Astronomy tower at ten tonight? - Millicent. _It was short, but said everything it needed to say. Hermione's ankle was fine now, after I levitated her to Madam Pomfrey last night, but I had the feeling she was upset with me. And for good reason.

I tied the letter to my owl's leg and sent him out the window. I wasn't sure Hermione was going to show up, but I needed to let her know that I meant well. As I watched my owl fly across the Hogwarts grounds to Hermione's room, my heart flooded with anxiety.

I was in the Astronomy tower nearly a half hour early. I wanted to clear my thoughts, as well as relive last night. I looked over to the window where Hermione once stood, about 24 hours ago, and despite my nervousness, I was filled with a modicum of lust when I thought about how she looked that evening, with the moonlight laying softly across her face, outlining her beautiful features.

I leaned against the windowsill and stared out into the starry sky. It was a clear sky today, no rain, and plenty of stars. I sighed, and suddenly felt very depressed. My emotions usually swing in the other direction when something bothers me, more towards anger and violence, but tonight I felt quite morose.

Suddenly I heard steps from behind me. I turned around and caught a glimpse of Hermione's hair as she was coming up the stairs. I flipped quickly back around to looking out the window, pretending I didn't see her. The steps got louder and louder until they stopped, and I knew she was standing just a few meters behind me.

"You wanted to talk to me?" It was hard to discern her tone; it wasn't quite irritated, but it wasn't friendly, either.

My heart pounded as I turned around to face her. "Irritated" was the right word to fit her tone, I now realized. She looked annoyed, and I suddenly became desperate to explain the truth.

"I wanted you to know that I didn't mess up that spell on purpose," I explained in a calm tone, looking at the ground instead of her eyes.

I could feel her studying me, trying to figure out my scheme. "But it was such a _simple _spell," she said in that know-it-all tone of hers.

"You know me…I'm not really that talented." I spoke softly, honestly, and looked into her eyes. Her expression softened, but only slightly.

"You're a Slytherin. And practically best friends with Pansy, who I know would cause me harm whenever she had the chance," Hermione's face was a little red now, probably recalling all of the embarrassing moments dear Pansy had caused her over the years.

"I'm _not _Pansy!" I spat out, taking a few steps towards her. She folded her arms defensively. "I don't care about this stupid…house rivalry!"

Hermione narrowed her eyes. "You really just messed up the spell then?" She asked.

"Yes," I breathed. I took another step towards her. We were just a meter away now.

She seemed curious about my behavior. "Why didn't you take the opportunity to hurt me?"

"I don't know," I lied. It came out as a croak. I couldn't think straight. Her scent was intoxicating, and being so close to her was torture. I have wanted her for so long, and she was right in front of me…

I took a small involuntary step forward, and she unfolded her arms in surprise, as if to back away, but she didn't. We were so close now.

"I guess it just didn't…seem right," I spoke, in almost a whisper. I wanted to kiss her, so badly. She seemed frozen, unsure of what was happening as I leaned in towards her. I felt like I could feel her hot breath on my face, as tantalizing as it was. My hands moved to grab her waist…I was so high, so out of my mind! Luckily, some fragment of reason within me kicked in. Using all the willpower I had, I pushed her to the side and ran down the stairs, out of the tower. She didn't say anything that I could hear. I can't believe I almost…

I threw myself on my bed and breathed heavily into the sheets. I don't know what I was feeling; it could be anger, it could be disappointment; it could be, Merlin help me, regret.

To top off my wonderful night, Pansy came in the dorm and slammed the door behind her. "What's with you Bulstrode?" Anger flooded my veins, and I got up from bed and grabbed her by the collar.

"Leave me the fuck…" I began, staring into her face with rage. She looked like she was petrified with fear, and I liked it. But the anger that so quickly flared up was gone just as fast. I let go of her collar and my expression went back to neutral, and I walked out of the room without another look at Pansy.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: A bit of a shorter chapter this time, but I didn't want to add toooo much..the next chapter will probably be a bigger one :)

* * *

Days passed without any contact with Hermione. It felt like months. I tried not to look at her, and I don't think she looked at me. Not like that part was any different, but a small piece inside of me was hoping that she would strike up a conversation with me. Wasn't she curious why I acted so strange? Or was it so blatantly obvious that I wanted her? Hermione was a very bright girl, but I didn't know how she fared when it came to deciphering people. I just wanted everything to go back to normal, before I royally botched things up, so I could resume admiring her from a distance. I was tortured before, sure, but it beat this constant state of unease.

And then one day, a Tuesday, everything changed. When the owls came in during breakfast that morning, I got my usual _Daily Prophet_, along with a small tan envelope bearing my name, neatly written in a cursive script. I pocked the envelope quickly before any of the others saw it, because it seemed like it should be opened in private. What little patience I usually had was completely gone as curiosity took over. I excused myself quickly from the table, commenting on how the eggs must have been bad because I was about to be sick. Everyone got out of my way, and fast. It was quite nice, to be perfectly honest.

I threw open the door to my room and immediately threw it closed again as I collapsed stomach-first onto my bed. Hands trembling, I carefully opened the letter. Could it be from…her?

"_Millicent, _the letter read, _I'm sorry I was so rude to you the other day. I know you have problems in Charms and it felt like I was rubbing that in your face. You did seem sincere. I'm very sorry. I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you just because you are friends with Pansy. If I can make it up to you (you mentioned you needed extra credit in Astronomy – I could help. Or Charms, for that matter), just tell me how. Sincerely, Hermione."_

My heart wouldn't stop pounding as I read the letter over and over again, my eyes lingering on the "If I can make it up to you" phrase. This was too good to be true. It was better than I ever could have dreamed. I could finally have a chance to get to know Hermione up close and personal, and it was all because of what I then thought was a _mistake _on my part.

I took a few minutes to think about which of the two classes I wanted help in, and decided to go with the one I was better at, Astronomy. It may seem counterintuitive, but I didn't want to appear completely incapable in front of Hermione, and that's what I would be if I asked her to help me with Charms. I wrote, _Hermione, I accept your apology. I would love help – _I crumpled up the parchment and threw it away. I didn't like the idea of using the l-word in a letter to Hermione. _Hermione, _I started anew, _I accept your apology. It would be nice to have some help in Astronomy. Can you start by helping me study for our quiz on Friday? Millicent."_

I waited hours before sending the letter off. I didn't want to seem…overeager, even though "overeager" was definitely an understatement. Her reply came quickly. She obviously didn't worry about the same things that I did.

It was a quick scrawl. _7:30 tomorrow night library _was all it said. I was disappointed that she didn't want to meet tonight, but I could wait. I've been waiting years to get this close to her, and another night wouldn't hurt. Too badly.

The next day passed uneventfully. Hermione didn't catch my eye in Potions (not that I was expecting it, or anything), and I tried my best not to look at her. But I couldn't stop myself. She was so beautiful, and she didn't even realize it. Her skin looked so soft and pure, even more so close up; her body, slender and toned. It drove me crazy to think about running my hands along her body. What I wouldn't give, for one night with that girl…she must know how attractive she is. Didn't she notice year by year as the boys started to give her more attention? Or does she think of herself as the same bushy-haired bookworm she's always been? I knew her best friend, the Weasley, was interested in her, but it didn't look as if she was interested in him. Was she interested in boys at all? …Was she interested in girls?

That was hoping too much, I knew, and I tried not to think about it anymore. Even if she was interested in girls, there was a very slim chance she would be interested in someone like _me. _I had accepted this a year ago, but the fact seemed to hit harder now for some reason. Despite all of this, I was still looking forward to tonight. Very much so.


End file.
